dear kristen: a love letter

dear kristen,

since moving to st. louis, i have developed a real love for writing letters. or perhaps renewed my love for it. i’ve written a lot of personal letters this year. some of which have been sent off across the atlantic. (it still astounds me, sometimes, how much trust we instill in our world’s mailing system - that i can send a letter and know, with more certainty than not, that it will arrive where it is supposed to arrive.) i’ve also written to my parents back home in california. my sister. a dear, dear friend in portland. and new york. and off the coast of florida. and to my partner. from our early days till now, with doodles and all of those warm and fuzzy feelings. with gratitude, and vulnerability, and reflections on the depth of the world we are building. and i’ve written open letters. to white people. to catholic people. to people who choose to violently assault marginalized folx every day. or, who choose to pretend such assaults don’t occur. i’ve written more letters over the last year than maybe throughout the rest of my life combined. but i have struggled, immensely, to ever write a letter to you that i felt was worth reading.

so now, just two weeks after completing our twenty-fifth lap around the sun, i’ve decided to try again. recognizing that even as i write this, i still have no idea where this letter will take me. but perhaps i should put one foot in front of the other. so. happy birthday. i felt compelled to write to you this year, as your twenty-fifth orbit came to a close. maybe it’s the romantic in me. or the poet. but somehow, this year seemed more important than those that have come before. maybe, though, it’s because it is. maybe, when you find yourself in reflection - trying to determine pivots and turning points and the moments that changed everything - you will remember so much about your twenty-fifth year of life. so maybe, there is some grand or existential reason, beyond my comprehension, that has contributed to why i feel compelled to write to you at this time.

and i suppose i’ve been wanting to talk to you about fear. and about the necessity of pushing against it. your life has been operated, often, out of fear. choosing one outcome for fear of another. you have also, of course, been incredibly bold at times. like that time you told your partner that you loved her. the will that it took to steady your voice, so that she would know that you meant it. that your love was not wavering as you said those words. i love you. you wanted her to know that loving her was the act that made you feel most steady, most true. and there have been other moments of boldness. the choice to cut your hair. to wear a bowtie. to burn, even if only metaphorically, those dresses in your closet. to change all of the things that physically, made you feel so little like yourself. you would spend hours looking into a photo, your body in a dress, attempting to find your joy. attempting to find your likeness. and there was so much courage and bravery in the moments in which you chose to say no to all that. and to choose to physically manifest all that was on the inside. i am so happy for you. that you made those choices. because it seems to me that you are becoming more yourself every day.

and so i write, in this moment, to encourage you to continue to push against that fear. but maybe, to also keep trying to discover its roots. where does it come from. why is it there. who put it there. was it you. was it someone external. was it something external. keep finding the place where the fear flourishes. and grows. where the light hits it just right, and it finds a way to keep moving through you. because, then, maybe, you’ll be better equipped to ward it off. or to learn something about it. and about yourself. and you’ll continue to be able to make choices that are based in love and your liberation.

i think i would be remiss, here, to speak about this past year for you without mentioning therapy. i have so much joy when i think about the fact that you chose therapy for yourself. that you chose to prioritize your mental and emotional and physical health. and it brings a smile to my face when i consider how much joy and comfort the process has given you. but also, the ways that it’s challenged you, and insisted that you grow. and damn, the ways you have grown.

you have discovered so much during those moments in therapy. but it seems to me that perhaps the most valuable tool has been learning how to reconnect with your body. what does it mean when your stomach seems to be ripping itself apart. what does it mean about your anxiety. and fear. and uncertainty. what does it mean when something like winter falls over your body. and you’re trembling. with no real explanation. what does it mean when that feeling of heaviness weighs onto your head. seeming to threaten your vision. can you even see the world around you in those moments. can you see yourself. you’ve reconnected with your body. and recognized that those physical manifestations of all that is going on emotionally and cognitively, do not have to be your normal. that you can respond to them. and be gentler with yourself. and that you have the tools to breathe tenderness into your life. it’s been a beautiful thing to witness in you.

so maybe you’ll look back and think about therapy. maybe you’ll look back and think about the fears that you’ve overcome. and maybe you’ll look back and think about your art. the beginnings of it. or, the beginnings of being intentional with it. the fact that it is your art that has given you the power to begin this letter. because maybe you’ll be sitting in a studio, your studio, walls covered in your photography and paintings and quilts and sketches, and a stack of your books in the corner, and you’ll be flipping through your old notebooks. maybe you’ll cry over the fear that you had to overcome to keep writing. or maybe the tears will be those of jubilation and pride. emotions that your ancestors, despite their trauma, found a way to gift to you. what a gift. so perhaps all of this will happen and you’ll know that in your twenty-fifth year, you made the right decision by embracing the art that lives inside of you.

your twenty-fifth year was filled with challenges that you’ve never faced before. and courage that you did not know you had. seriously. there have been moments when i just look at you and think, damn that was brave. so i hope that one day you’ll look back with the ability to recognize the beauty of it all. and maybe you’ll write that letter to your ancestors that continues to breathe inside of you - asking them to help you to continue to understand you. to help you be more gentle to you. and thanking them for finding a way to radiate such light when the world insisted that they shouldn’t. and maybe, by the end of that letter, much like this one, you’ll begin to understand more of who you are, and come to recognize how magical it is that you choose to write in flowers each day.

in tenderness, in love,

kristen